I see a lot of stuff floating on facebook, and sometimes I have to choose between not scaring the crap out of you and keeping you informed. I have learned two things about working with you though; you don’t use Facebook as a reliable resource (high five!), and you still see the things I don’t share anyway.
There is an article (https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/evqew7/obstetric-violence-doulas-abuse-giving-birth) going viral right now and I think we should address the topic. It’s very important to understand where this article is coming from and how we can apply it to your birth. Honestly, because what they are claiming here is true for many families and many doulas.
I am going to rip the bandaid off and just say it, shit happens. It happens all the time and it happens at every location. This may want to make you close your browser, run to Folly and bury your head in the sand, but it’s important to know. I have been doing this a long time, which is why you work with me. I have seen a lot. I have come home with PTSD from births. I have almost quit being a doula several times. I have NEVER talked about it until now.
Is the sting calming down? OK, good, because I also need you to hear me when I say that I haven’t seen most of the examples spoken of in this article in the 5 years I have been a doula. Maybe having an advocate in the room reduces those chances in Charleston? I am not sure, but the biggest infraction I witness is the medical care providers are rude, disrespectful, and aggressive with their agenda and standard of care.
I don’t take this lightly. This isn’t about one family’s experience being more validated than another’s bc of how they were treated. Everyone deserves respect, and all laboring women deserve free will to consent or deny treatment.
There needs to be a reframing in how you are addressed and informed through-out your stay. Informed consent is not, “I am going to do this now.” and then do it. That is just informing you with no opportunity to consent or refuse.
“Can I do this to you?” doesn’t work either. As women, we have been programed to follow the rules and not make a scene. Of course they can! BUT……Do you want them to?
Plus, how many times have we been asked something and we really want to say no, but we comply. I know I have many times.
How about…… Do you want me to work in your jaw today? Do you want me to work around your tailbone between contractions? Do you want me to come over and check on you? I am trying to hard to switch my phrasing and framing so that it really makes you question what you want and gives you the opportunity to become empowered in your answer. You job isn’t to make me happy by complying to whatever I ask you to do.
So, why don’t medical professionals talk this way? They want you to forget that you hired us. They want you to think they are in charge. This is why we all sit in the ER for hours ignored and won’t leave. We don’t think we can go until they say so. This is also why they put us in a hospital gown. It’s all a power play. It’s unfortunate that for every medical provider that is 5 star awe-maze-ing, there are 20 more who have forgotten why they got into this work in the first place.
Obstetrics is the only time in a woman’s life where women allow people to touch them without consent. It is the only time we yell stop, they say just one more minute, and we comply. Why is that?
I had a midwife come from behind me, without my knowledge and stick her hand inside my vagina to check me. I didn’t know she was there or she was going to do that. I punched her. Not intentionally, it was a primal reaction to someone coming up behind me and sticking their hand in my vagina. It is a vulnerable thing to give birth. We shouldn’t have to worry about things happening behind our back.
I beg you, please don’t think of this as a way to scare you about your provider or your birth location. We have many, many amazing, loving providers. The more calm, rational, respectful and assertive you are the more empowered you will be in your whole experience. When someone says, “you have a little bit of cervix left. On your next contract, I want you to push and I am going to try and move it over the baby’s head.” I want you to hear, “Do you want me to try and move this last bit of cervix around the baby’s head on your next push?”
Many women are grateful for short term discomfort to hold their baby sooner, many wish they were heard when they were telling the provider to stop. Maybe we need a safe word. Ignore my reaction unless you hear me say, “STOP!”, OR If I scream, “STOP!” I am retracting my previous consent.
What are your thoughts? How would you want a doula to support you in this situation?
